 What is a dinosaur's least favorite reindeer?
Comet How does NASA organize a party? They planet What did the fish say when he swam into the wall? Dam What do you call an alligator in a vest? An investigator Why aren't koalas actually bears? They don't meet the koalafications Why does a duck have tail feathers? To cover it's buttquack What do you call a dinosaur with a good vocabulary? A thesaurus Why was the mushroom the hit of the party? Because he's a fun-gi What did the little acorn say when he grew up? Geometry What city are you in when you drop your waffle on the beach? Sandy eggo Where did the one-legged man work? Ihop What do gay horses eat? Haaaaaay Why does Snoop Dogg carry an umbrella? Fo drizzle What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet? Supplies!!! What do you call a pig that does karate? Pork chop What happened to the frog's car? It got toad Why did the bee get married? Because he found his honey What is orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot What was Beethoven's favorite fruit? Ba-na-na-na Why can't you trust atoms? Because they make up everything What's the difference between a snowman and a snowwoman? Snowballs Want more? You asked for it... What did the ocean say to the other ocean? Nothing, it just waved What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta How does a farmer count cows? With a cowculator What did the cobbler say when a cat wandered into his shop? Shoe What did the buffalo say when his son left for college? Bison What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back? A stick What is bruce lee's favorite drink? Wattaaaaahh! What did the 0 say to the 8? Nice belt Knock Knock. [Who is there?] I eat mop. [I eat mop who?] Two guys walk into a bar. The first says he'll have some H2O. The second says he'll have H2O2. He died. Why did I divide sin by tan? Just cos What does a nosey pepper do? Gets jalepeno business What do you call a fish without an eye? Fshhhhhh What has a bottom at its top? Your legs! What did the lawyer name his daughter? Sue What do sea monsters eat for lunch? Fish and ships How do you find Will Smith in the snow? Look for the fresh prints What did the pirate say when he turned 80? Aye matey Why is peter pan always flying? He neverlands Why don't cats play poker in the jungle? Too many cheetas What do you call bears with no ears? B Where do eggplants come from? Chickenplants Why can't a bike stand on its own? It's two tired What do ghosts serve for dessert? Iscream What shape is pacman? omnomnomagon How do you catch a unique rabbit? You neek up on it! How do you catch a tame rabbit? The tame way Why are frogs happy? They eat whatever bugs them Where does the general keep his armies? In his slevies Why do skunks celebrate valentines day? Because they are scent-imental What do you call a number that can't keep still? A roman numeral What do you call a sleeping bull? A bulldozer Why don't leopards play hide and seek? Because they're always spotted Why didn't the melons get married? Because they cantelope Why did the painting go to jail? It was framed What do you call a cow with a twitch? Beef jerky What is brown and sticky? A stick  Skip the drive to the gym + spin class and - wait for it - ride your bike!
If you think it would be cost effective, environmentally friendly, a good low-impact workout, and/or a ton of fun to bike to work - then you are a freakishly smart and amazing person and you are correct. You don't have to be a cyclist, wear lame-looking bike gear with butt pads, or buy expensive clip-on shoes to bike to work (or anywhere else). All you have to do is grab your helmet and hop on your bike! You will be surprised how great it is to have your commute as your workout. Also it's scientifically proven that being outside makes your day infinitely better. Step 1: Get a bike - If you have a bike (or a family member has a dusty one in their garage) - use that! Bike frames don't depreciate and are good for a zillion years. Worst case scenario you will have to get new tubes (~$6) or tires (~$15). - If you don't have a bike go to a yard sale or jump on Craigslist for 5 seconds. You'll be able to find something for $5-$50 easily. I got my bike for $20 off Craigslist 11 years ago and it's still going strong as my main mode of transportation! Step 2: Bike to work It's really that simple. Somewhere between 5 and 45 minutes is reasonable (and you can always move closer or change your job, right? :). You can even get an e-bike if having a less intense ride is more your thing (check out some rad ones here). OMG WHAT IF IT'S RAINING?!?!?! You bike to work and it's super fun :) Grab a rain coat from Goodwill (~$10) and Frogg Toggs pants (~$15) - and go for it! Your inner 5 year old will come out and have a great time splashing in the puddles. Wrap your work stuff in a trash bag and put it in a basket or pannier and boom - you're good go to. BONUS: I 100% guarantee and all your coworkers will be insanely impressed with how much of a badass you are for biking to work in the rain.  I know that strength training is important for physical health, bone density, stress relief, and overall fitness. And I have the best intentions of doing strength training twice a week. But then life happens and some combination of excuses wins. But not anymore.
Random life hack of the day: Sign up to be a fitness instructor and you will get paid to work out and you will get your a** to the gym 100% of the time. Because you have to. Every Monday and Friday mornings at 7am I teach a strength training class called BODYPUMP. I am not a professional athlete and am pretty average build. To be honest I was really scared when I signed up for instructor training that everyone was going to be an olympian and I was going to get laughed out of the room. Quite the opposite; the instructors were just you average human beings, the type you would see at any class. To be honest some were not that fit at all, and this is awesome. Gyms need instructors of all levels to get people comfortable with going to their classes. So whatever fitness level you are, congratulations, you can become a group fitness instructor. Every Monday and Friday when my alarm goes off I think about not going to my workout class, but then I remember I’m the goddamn teacher and I have to be there, so I go. It is just the motivation I need to do my twice-a-week workouts and keep up my strength training. It’s very true that once you’re there and worked out you never regret it. It’s just the hard part of getting there. So if you can hack it so not only do you have to be there but if you can get paid to do it too then you are super winning. As an added bonus you will meet lots of really great people and get to work out with your new friends. I even talked my gym into paying for my instructor course fees. Now go find a gym and sign up to be a fitness instructor!
Before | After For today's life hack: How to Install Lifeproof Vinyl Plank Flooring by yourself (even if you have no experience and suck at home improvement projects) TLTR: Installing new floors isn’t hard; I was a 27 year old female with no prior construction experience and did my whole 3br/2ba house by myself. I saved $5000 and gained a lot of confidence. So I know you can do it too (if you’re not a wuss :) Do your research: When I needed new floors I did a sh*tton of research on flooring options and ultimately landed on Lifeproof Vinyl plank flooring and am very happy with that choice. I wanted a waterproof floor that could go everywhere in my house that I could install myself. You can get them here online or in most Home Depot stores. I’d recommend getting 3 or 4 boxes at a time. It’s ~$2.79/sqft. Expectation setting: If it’s just you installing I’d recommend pacing yourself: I did one room or hallway per week/weekend. And start with the room that matters the least because it will take a few hours to get your groove and you may make a mistake (gasp). But once you get the hang of it it’s just rinse and repeat. Materials:
BTW - if you want to paint your cabinets you should do that first - see here. Instructions: You need a flat, clean, subfloor surface to install your new flooring. If that is what you are starting with, lucky you! If not, here’s what you have to do:
Next, install your flooring:
Finish it off by putting the baseboards back on:
AND YOU ARE DONE! YOU ARE A BADASS MOFO. Now invite over a bunch of friends so they can admire your new floors and how awesome you are.
TLTR: Painting your cabinets is not hard at all. Clean, sand, prime, paint, repeat. Step 1: Have ugly cabinets (and don’t want to buy new ones or pay someone a ton of money to paint them (why is it so expensive!?!?) Step 2: Materials gathering (~$74). Go to Home Depot and get:
Step 3: Remove cabinets Remove cabinets with screwdriver/drill. Label them so you remember where they go! I recommend doing 3 at a time Step 4: Clean cabinets Clean your cabinets with the TSP cleaner (dilute per bottle instructions). Wear the mask, grab a rag, and give both sides of each cabinet a good cleaning. Repeat if cabinets are greasy or super dirty. Also remember to clean the cabinets still attached to the wall. Step 5: Sand cabinets Grab your sandpaper or sanding sponge and sand your cabinets (front and back). This will help the paint adhere. Sand each cabinet twice. Also remember to sand the cabinets still attached to the wall. Wear your mask to make sure you don’t breathe in sand particles. Step 6: Prime cabinets Grab your primer and paint brushes and prime your cabinets (front and back). For best results prime each cabinet twice. I got lazy after a while and did one coat but the more the better. Also remember to prime the cabinets still attached to the wall. Wear your mask to make sure you don’t breathe in paint fumes. Pro tip: grab some solo cups and place 3 in a triangle on the floor and have your cabinets dry on that Step 7: Paint cabinets Same as above but use paint. 2 coats! TLTR: Clean, clean, sand, sand, prime, prime, paint, paint. Rinse & repeat. Happy DIY-ing! p.s. once you're done - if you still have the DIY bug you should probably install new floors... :)
 So... a few years ago I won The Price Is Right. It was amazing. Everyone always says, wow you are so lucky! Yes, yes I am. But I'm also skilled. I studied and executed a very specific plan. Here's how you can too.
Myth #1: They pick contestants at random. Actually, they don't. Everyone gets a ~8 second interview with the main producer (in groups of ~10) but there is also an insanely early check-in time and extremely long waiting period where they are constantly watching you. They watch, they listen, they talk and they pick contestants that they think will please their audience. Be happy, energetic, and more energetic. Preferably to the point of a cheerleader on speed. Bonus points if you can make the producers laugh. Myth #2: The home viewer audience isn't important. Quite the contrary - the producers select the contestants so that the home audience will be entertained and continue to watch (thus sustaining their revenue). The TPIR audience is overwhelmingly older men. Yes, grandpas. Thus they disproportionally choose younger women as contestants. Bonus points if you are one, but don't worry if you aren't; being energetic, positive, fun, funny, and crazy are most important. Myth #3: The games are random. Spolier alert: They aren't. Even the 50/50 games - they overwhelmingly choose one way over the other. There are actual strategies for each of the games. Ben Blatt at Slate.com is awesome and created this handy dandy cheat sheet. Print it. Study it. Memorize it. Myth #4: Winning lots of prizes is awesome. The experience of being at TPIR was amazing, even without getting on stage (I also went once in college without studying and wasn't picked - it was just as much fun and none of the nerves). The second time I went I ended up getting picked, winning my first item bid, not winning my game, winning the wheel spin, then winning the showcase showcase showdown. I won a combination of items and trips. My advice to anyone is to immediately forfeit any trips you win. You will pay more in taxes for the trip than the trip would actually cost and it sucks. This is because the value you are taxed on is based off the insane MSRP value, not anywhere near the Fair Market Value. I didn't know this but luckily forfeited 2 of my 3 trips anyway (I had just started a new job and didn't have the vacation time). As all clever life-hackers do, I was able to figure out a resolution for the taxes for the trip I did take, but let's just say it took more than a few correspondences with the IRS and is not recommended. Myth #5: You are guaranteed a spot if you reserve a ticket. Nope. To make the best first impression as possible, I recommend showing up early as early as you can (6am is ideal!). That way once the gates open you are one of the first ones in line to get a number. Bonus points if you bring donuts for everyone else. If you show up in the later half of the pack you are not guaranteed entry and may sit around for hours for nothing. Another good strategy if you can swing it is to go as part of a group of 25 or more; you will be guaranteed a spot and at least 1 person from your group will be called. Spoiler alert: they usually pick the person being celebrated (birthday boy/girl, bachelorette, etc). TLTR: You will not regret signing up to be a contestant on The Price Is Right (it's free!). Going with a group and/or acting super happy and insanely energetic will help you get called. Practicing the game strategy and studying prices will definitely not hurt either. But overall the most important thing is to have fun!  It is easy to live in California and pay a ton of money on housing. It is also easy to live in California and not pay a ton of money on housing. The choice is yours.
First, close your eyes and imagine California and its perfect year-round weather. Spoiler alert: people live in California to spend time outside, not inside! Scenario 1: California Living - no spouse/pets/kids You have it easy! Grab a roommate or two (or five) and you'll be golden. Bonus points for living close to work and riding your bicycle everywhere. You will be able to find lots of housing options - keep looking until you find something <$750/mo. But I bet you can find something much cheaper. Even with a starting salary of $38k you should be able to save 60% of your income. Utilities are also super low because the weather is always nice. Scenario 2: Live-in significant other, pet(s), and/or shared custody of kid(s) Marginally more difficult but still completely doable. I can answer this one in 4 words: be a master tenant. It will be hard to find a place when you're responding to every craigslist posting like "Hey! your place looks great! the only thing is I have a pet ferret and a boyfriend that will be living with me too. is that cool?" ... "<Silence>". That strategy won't work. But you know what will work? "Seeking a roommates for beautiful 3bed/2bath house. Full house privileges. Utilities included. You will share a hall bathroom with another fun roommate. Couple lives in the master with their adorable ferret." Boom. Now you are in control. All you have to do is sign the lease as the master tenant. Landlords are generally very accepting of this because then they only have to collect rent from 1 person, not 3 or more. Bonus: In some places in California, as the Master Tenant you can rent out the other rooms for market rate - get this - up to the full amount of rent. For example, if rent is $2000/mo for 3bed/2bath you can rent out each room for $1k/mo and pay nothing for housing. Scenario 3: DAH BUT I NEEEEED TO LIVE IN SAN FRANCISCO Okay, clam down. There is a hack for that as well. Again roommates will cut your cost in half (at least). But if that isn't good enough, SF has almost the opposite rules as above and you can use it to your advantage. In short, total rent must be divided by tenants by bedroom square footage. The hack here is that there are a lot of people in SF live in rent-controlled apartments and rent out the other rooms for market rate (like above). However, this is not allowed in San Francisco. If you find yourself in a situation where you are paying more than your fair share (or proactively seek it out for this very purpose), you can nicely tell the master tenant that if they don't divide rent equally you will be taking them to court. And you will win. And you will be living for very cheap in San Francisco. Scenario 4: Family & kids This one is harder. If you don't currently live in California and are thinking of moving you need to take a good hard look at your income/spending and how that would change in CA. A $20,000 raise looks great until you realize it's only $13,000 after taxes and housing is an additional $18,000. There are also probably additional expenses that will come with the move (e.g. flights to see family if you move away from them). But there will also be expenses that go down when moving to CA. You can now bike year-round in the amazing weather, spend very little on gas, and take advantage of zillion fun things to do outdoors for free. I'd also suggest an audit of current expenses; I bet you could be spending much less than you are right now. Finding savings in places you are currently spending and moving that to CA housing budget could very well put you on top. If you can do it, living with family/friends/roommates will save you some serious cash. You could also find a place with an in-law unit and rent that out. Employers are also well aware of housing costs in CA and sometimes you can negotiate a generous housing stipend. It doesn't hurt to ask and just may be the extra amount you need.  Today's random life hack of the day... stay with me now... potty training your cats! I'm typing this to the sound of my cat tinkling right now.
Do you love scooping cat crap out of litter boxes? Do you love buying and carrying cat litter? Do you love the smell and visual appeal of your litter box? If so, you are a weirdo and you can stop reading. How do I potty train my cats? There are multiple products on the market and a Google search will return 500k+ results. I personally got the Litter Kwitter because it was on sale or something. How long does it take? It depends on how many cats you have but their website says to expect 8 weeks. This is about how long it took for my 2 cats. How much money does it cost? You can get it off Amazon where it is $42.99 (at the time of this post). You can also check local stores, craigslist, ebay, etc and maybe find it even cheaper. My cats are dumb/old/dumb and old, will it work? My cats were humane society rescues, both ~5 years old, and I didn't potty train them until a year and a half later. One is the dumbest cat I've ever met. So if they can do it, I have faith in your cats. Is it worth it? IMO, absolutely. A $40 investment, some patience, some laughing, and never scooping a litter box again. Just about the best thing ever!  Ah, financial independence. No more dragging your highly-caffeinated self to a job you don't like. Spending time with family and friends. Doing whatever you want whenever you want.
I'll keep this one short and sweet: it is possible to retire early. Maybe even really, really early. And no, you don't have to be a millionaire or have a six figure job. Let's get started! The most important thing that matters to FIRE (Financially Independent Retire Early). Are you ready for it? It's your savings rate. Play with this calculator to see years until retirement change based on your savings rate (irrelevant of income). For example, someone with a 30k salary who saves 50% of their income has the same years until retirement as someone with a 100k salary who saves 50% of their income. Savings Rate | Years until retirement 10% | 44 30% | 25 50% | 15 60% | 12 80% | 5 Tips for maximizing savings rate: - don't buy shit you don't need - cook for yourself - bike everywhere - minimize recurring expenses - take advantage of free fun There are lots of great FIRE calculators out there, that is just one. Some people save everything they can and put it in a brokerage account like Betterment. Some get into real estate. Many forge their own unique path. All that matters is that you know it's possible (and fun!) to live below your means and pursue financial independence.  Quick post for all those newly-adulting-adults out there that may or may not have any idea what to do to keep your car running in tip-top shape.
The two most important things are: 1) Check the tire pressure - Get a super expensive tire gauge (something like this; probably $8) - Unscrew the cap, turn the gauge on, and put it firmly directly on (not at an angle) - The tire pressure will show up on the gauge. If it's too low vs recommended (google it), go to a gas station and pump the tire(s) up. Bonus: you can do this for free at most gas stations! 2) Check the oil You can do this one yourself too! - Make sure your car is parked on level ground (not a hill) and isn't too hot or cold (has been run recently) - Grab a rag - Pop the hood (usually a lever near the floor by the driver seat door) - Find the oil dipstick (usually a yellow circle sticking out near the engine) - Wipe off oil from the dipstick with the rag. Then put the dipstick back in and remove it one more time - Look at the line where the oil level is. If it's too low put in more oil or change the oil if it's time (and yes, change the oil filter every time you change the oil) Beyond that, finding yourself a good mechanic will definitely be a good long-term idea. But if you do 1 and 2 above you should be in much better shape than most - and it's something you can easily do yourself! |
